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April 25 无声叹息 这么多年了，争执没间断过。总是想起你以前说过的话，对我的批评，不满，不削等等等。。这些话常常在我脑海浮现。一直烦恼着，思考着，要怎么做，才能让你满意，让你开心。一直试着努力改变自己，让自己变得更棒，更好。只是，你从来都看不见我的努力，感受不到我的诚意。我真的有那么糟糕，那么不到家吗？反复思考，却还是找不到问题的来源。我真的已经不晓得我可以做什么，还能做什么，也已经不懂得该如何面对你的任性，狂妄，自私，自我，自大，自主的态度。才发现你一直都看不见我的优点，也总是歪曲我的好意，更令我懊恼的是，你常常在我背后，面前，不顾我的形象，不给我面子的批评我，踩我。我真的不懂为什么这是你对待我的方式，更可笑的是别人说这是我本身的原因，是我如何在人前表现自己所带来的后果。刚开始时，我真的花了很多时间去想一想自己该怎么做。明白“要改变别人对自己的看法，就要先改变自己的态度”这个道理，我也努力费了很多力气和时间去改变自己。你也承认了我的改变。只是，为什么一有事发生，你却又否认我的改变？说我一直没变，我就是这样的人，我永远是这样子，不会改变？？很想跟你争辩下去，却在你把我最要好的朋友名字搬出来数落我时，我愣住了，无语了，也受伤了。当时我突然发现你真的很了解我的死穴，很了解我的缺点。是因为这样所以你利用她来打击我吗？你真的很厉害，真的，最起码你利用了她之后，我找不到理由去为自己辩护。不是因为我理亏，而是我发现我没有必要和你继续拉扯，争论。当时，我真的觉得很自责，很懊恼。为什么你会用别人来攻击我，打击我。我也真的差一点因为你的话而生她的气，还好我没这么做，反而让我找到真相，还要为了你的事，让她来给我陪不是。这件事真的让我觉得。。你真的永远都这么自以为是，不明白事理，以小人之心度君子之腹。简单来说，你很幼稚。前天你还为了跟我借东西而发我脾气，抛下一句，你应该早点讲嘛，这样的话。你捞狠话，总是有情有理，理直气壮。而如果对向是我，那就是我不对，我没礼貌，我自私。我为你做的事只要用一句“应该，理所当然”就可以被抹煞了。你从来都不记得我对你的好，却忘也忘不掉我对你的不好。我真的对你不好吗？那你呢？你觉得你对我好吗？需要帮助时，就找我；不需要帮助的时候就不用对我客气了吗？。。咳，算了，真的算了。。我没你那么会演戏，更不用说耍什么手段了，真的大可放心，我没要和你抢，没要和你争，没要和你比，什么都没有。你那小人之心就不需要再用在我身上。真的不用了。。这不是命令，而是恳求，一个不爱名利，人权，又卑微人的恳求。 April 22 什么东西？ 今天在学校里碰到朋友，感觉有一点怪。不晓得从什么时候开始就觉得他对我的态度很差，很明显的差。是我得罪他吗？我不晓得。如果真要讲是什么时候开始有这种感觉，就要从那天帮朋友做问卷开始。他莫名其妙的开口说了些话，又是。。针对基督徒的话。其实，我应该很习惯和他这样的对话，只是他很常用很锐利的字眼和很自我的态度跟我说他的无神论，真的让我很不高兴。我还蛮尊敬他对宗教的想法，只是他从来没尊敬过别人的宗教，尤其是基督教，所以我很常成为那无辜的牺牲者，被他数落和批评。那天起，很明显地他对我的态度不一样了。是什么原因我并不晓得。不管是什么，他也没跟我发脾气的必要吧？我哪里得罪他？我有没有先去挑衅他，回应他也错了吗？现在跟他说话，不是不理不睬，就是爱理不理，甚至是回答我的问题时，用斜眼看我，或者看都不看我，真的很没礼貌。如果我得罪了他，他可以开口说一声。不说出来，又摆出一副拽样。又不是得罪了他，干嘛用这种态度跟人说话？连我在场都好像不想给我知道大伙定做衣服的事情。拜托，我也有还钱买的咯。老爱说自己有多好，多大方，多客观，结果叻？还不是有事没事摆架子！什么东西嘛？！本来还心存感激的说，因为他把不要的圣经送给我。我想，不用说了，免得他以为我找架吵呢？！真是的。。。 April 09 MarriageWhen I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes. Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.
She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why? I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Dew. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her! With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company. She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Dew so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now. The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Dew. When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again. In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage. This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day. She requested that everyday for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request. I told Dew about my wife's divorce conditions. She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully. My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mummy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office. On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her. On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me. On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Dew about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger. She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily. Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head. Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mum out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day. But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.
I drove to office... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind... I walked upstairs. Dew opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Dew, I do not want the divorce anymore. She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Dew, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other any more. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart. Dew seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away. At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.
NB*The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank, blah..blah..blah. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage! March 25 Too beautiful NOT to share?A Story to live by
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, 'If I could only see the world, I will marry you.'
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend. He asked her, 'Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?' The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn't expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him. Her boyfriend left in tears and days later wrote a note to her saying: 'Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.' This is how the human brain often works when our status changes. Only a very few remember what life was like before, and who was always by their side in the most painful situations. Life Is a Gift
Today before you say an unkind word - Think of someone who can't speak. Before you complain about the taste of your food - Think of someone who has nothing to eat.
Before you complain about your husband or wife - Think of someone who's crying out to GOD for a companion. Today before you complain about life - Think of someone who died too early on this earth.
Before you complain about your children - Think of someone who desires children but they're barren. Before you argue about your dirty house someone didn't clean or sweep - Think of the people who are living in the streets. Before whining about the distance you drive Think of someone who walks the same distance with their feet. And when you are tired and complain about your job - Think of the unemployed, the disabled, and those who wish they had your job. But before you think of pointing the finger or condemning another - Remember that not one of us is without sin. And when depressing thoughts seem to get you down - Put a smile on your face and think: you're alive and still around. March 17 Technical Support-Installing Love *sharing*Tech Support: Yes, how can I help you? Customer: Well, after much consideration, I've decided to install Love. Can you guide me through the process? Tech Support: Yes. I can help you. Are you ready to proceed? Customer:Well, I'm not very technical, but I think I'm ready- What do I do first? Tech Support: The first step is to open y our Heart. Have you located your Heart? Customer: Yes, but there are several other programs running now. Is it okay to install Love while they are running? Tech Support: What programs are running ? Customer: Let's see, I have Past Hurt, Low Self-Esteem, Grudge and Resentment running right now. Tech Support: No problem. Love will gradually erase Past Hurt from your current operating system. It may remain in your permanent memory but it will no longer disrupt other programs. Love will eventually override Low Self-Esteem with a module of its own called High Self-Esteem. However, you have to completely turn off Grudge and Resentment. Those programs prevent Love from being properly installed. Can you turn those off? Customer: I don't know how to turn them off. Can you tell me how? Tech Support: With pleasure. Go to your start menu and invoke Forgiveness. Do this as many times as necessary until Grudge and Resentment have been completely erased. Customer: Okay, done! Love has started installing itself. Is that normal? Tech Support: Yes, but remember that you have only the base program. You need to begin connecting to other Hearts in order to get the upgrades. Customer: Oops! I have an error message already. It says, ' Error - Program not run on external components' What should I do? Tech Support: Don't worry. It means that the Love program is set up to run on Internal Hearts, but has not yet been run on your Heart. In non-technical terms, it simply means you have to Love yourself before you can Love others. Customer: So, what should I do? Tech Support: Pull down Self-Acceptance; then click on the following files: Forgive-Self; Realize your Worth; and Acknowledge your Limitations. Customer: Okay, done. Tech Support: Now, copy them to the 'My Heart' directory. The system will overwrite any conflicting files and begin patching faulty programming. Also, you need to delete Verbose Self-Criticism from all directories and empty your Recycle Bin to make sure it is completely gone and never comes back Customer: Got it. Hey! My heart is filling up with new files. Smile is playing on my monitor and Peace and Contentment are copying themselves all over My Heart. Is this normal? Tech Support: Sometimes. For others it takes awhile, but eventually everything gets it at the proper time. So Love is installed and running. One more thing before we hang up. Love is Freeware. Be sure to give it and its various modules to everyone you meet. They will in turn share it with others and return some cool modules back to you. Customer: Thank you, God. God/Tech Support: You're Welcome, Anytime. January 22 家人VS外人人,面对外人时,总是可以表现得雍容大肚,心平气和, 有时候我在想人与人之间的关系真的很微妙。相遇的两个人可以成为无所不谈的好朋友，也可以成为水火不容的敌人。每个人有不同的相处方式，所以两个人的相处需要的不只是共同点，还要有一个平衡点。对待家人我需要更多的耐性和关怀，毕竟是相处了十几年的亲人。有些摩擦在所难免，只要相互包容和忍耐，关系也会有所改善。我并不想等到没机会了，才懂得珍惜，到时只能深深叹息，后悔不已了。 January 06 手提电脑遗失记 昨天是最后一个学期第一天上课.原本中午才上课的我,为了minor的事提早到学校.傍晚6点多回到家后,发现放在书桌上的手提电脑不见了.问了家人才晓得家里进贼了.这贼厉害得很,没把家里所有门窗弄坏也能进到屋子里偷东西.他也好像知道该从哪里下手,找到主人房里,进去我和我妹的房间,偷走了桌上的电脑,还把cooling pad, mouse, 及 laptop charger 一并带走.翻了我的衣橱,无意找到电脑包,偷走了.也翻了我其他书櫃,拿走一些硬币.说实在的,我真有点生气,焦虑,不悦,不爽,懊恼,懊悔...我失去的不只是大约马币3000零吉,我还失去了我这一年里储存的档案,文件,功课,照片...等等的重要东西.我在大学这三年来所有的回忆,经验,感受...他也一并带走. 我发现事实时,不断地向上帝祈祷,希望奇迹发生;希望祂能给我一些指示,帮我想想下一步该怎么办;希望祂帮我冷静思考,给我安慰;希望...很多想法不断浮现,搞得我非常紧张,压力直升.家人报了警,也做了一些善后处理.希望能将我的"记忆"找回来. January 03 22.12.2008 续篇之“圣诞的意义” “圣诞”--圣子，耶稣基督的诞生对所有基督徒来说意义重大的日子。其实耶稣的诞生并不是在12月25日。12月25日成了基督徒纪念耶稣诞生的日子。两千年前，上帝让圣母马利亚在未正式被丈夫，约瑟，迎娶前透过圣灵感应怀了孕。当他们抵达大卫的城，伯利恒时，马利亚产期到了，并在那里生了头胎的儿子，用布包起来，放在马槽里。天使报喜讯给牧羊的人，并同一大队天兵赞美上帝。牧羊的人前往伯利恒见证上帝的指示，寻见马利亚和约瑟，又有那婴孩卧在马槽里；既然看见，就把天使论这孩子的话传开了。这孩子起名叫耶稣。（取自圣经，路加福音第2章）
在现代化和商业化的时代里，圣诞节的来临会让人联想到圣诞老人，圣诞树，圣诞大餐，以及交换礼物，就连火鸡也是圣诞节必备的食物之一。其实圣诞节的真正意义是为了纪念耶稣降世，见证上帝的话语。没有耶稣降世我们哪来的圣诞节？哪来多一天的公共假日，家庭聚餐？
耶稣降世是为了拯救世界，让世人得到永生。因为耶稣，我们和上帝的距离被拉近了。也因为耶稣，我们从上帝得到救恩，赎罪，赦免，以及永生。耶稣本无罪，却为了世人的罪，被摆在十字架上，受难，钉死；7天后复活，升天。或许这个故事听得多了，大家也耳熟能详，可是从上帝创世，耶稣降世，到现在，真正明白圣诞节的意义有几个？而每年这个时节，报佳音的基督徒一边又一边的来到家家户户唱诗歌，念圣经的目的又是为了什么？不然，他们是为了将圣诞的喜讯传开来，让更多人得到上帝的祝福。这上帝的祝福包括了爱与喜乐，还有天父对孩子的关怀。有些人认为他们知道基督教是什么，明白基督徒的理念是什么，可是他们真的懂了吗？他们的心真的被上帝打动了吗?还有多少人还在等着上帝的救恩，带领他们回到自己真正的家？我本来是道教徒，今天成为了基督徒，以后我还是基督徒。这不是巧合，而是我的心被天父的爱所打动，因为我看见了，也听见了天使在歌唱，赞美主。你听见天父的呼唤了吗？或许上帝正在敲你的心门，将爱的种子撒在你的心房。只要你把心门打开，爱的礼物就会送到你的心家。 22.12.2008 Christmas Shopping and Christmas Carol 今天约了Lydia一起去圣诞购物。两个人一早的忙东忙西，因为拿不定主意，在时间上也配合不来。不过啊，最后也是成功地逛街去。我们在Anglican Church约好见面，然后我们一起搭公共巴士（City Bus）去 One Borneo。两人第一次搭City Bus，感觉。。很。。。拥挤。大约11点抵达目的地，很多店面也还没营业，加上我，还没吃早餐，所以我们就去KFC边吃边坐边聊了。可能是因为我早有预备，时间上是赶了一点，我还是把要买的礼物买好了。Lydia虽然有点犹豫不决，也买好了她的礼物。Winnie也突然打电话给我要我准备今晚负责用华语报佳音的事项。有些惊讶，因为是临时决定的，只是我也大概能猜到这个结果，毕竟我是组里。。华语最好的那个，也是唯一一两个能读华文版本的圣经吧。
我们在One Borneo碰到Ah Kit，其实是早料到会碰到的，毕竟他在那里的电脑店工作。我们也在他午休的时间约好一起吃饭。在那之前，我和Lydia有幸等到“下雪”那一刻，也终于发现了“雪”的秘密，那就是。。One Borneo的雪不过就是泡沫做成的嘛。。不过，效果是真的很棒，因为当我们站在广场中央看着“雪”从上空往下飘时，真的有置身国外欣赏雪景的感觉，也有圣诞来临的气氛。逛完了街，和Lydia一起去她的家，等到晚上去顺兴（Vincent）家报佳音。我们把购物完的战利品欣赏一番，在快快地把它们包起来，准备等一下报佳音前送给所有Pacers Hope的成员。这次圣诞，我花了蛮多钱在礼物上，可是我却一点也不觉得可惜，第一次送这么多礼物这么多人，应该有超过20个人收到我的礼物吧？Lydia说，我的爱是透过送礼，我想应该是吧。。嘻嘻。。因为我会花点心思选礼物给我要送的对象，然后包得美美的，等待看着别人收到礼物时脸上挂着的表情，应该不是惊，就是喜吧？！怎样都好，我觉得送礼比收礼还要令人高兴与兴奋。
当晚报佳音很成功，虽然我有点战战兢兢，担心自己说的不好，或是不够清楚。不过，看到那一家人给我一些回应，加上Winnie给我这么好的机会，还有Lydia和Belinda的鼓励，我的表现应该是没问题的。感觉很棒，毕竟当晚说最多话的人是我算是出尽锋头了，台词都是我自己想的，有些话还是当场临时加上去的呢！希望下次还机会，我会努力做得更好！ =) Pacers Hope Christmas Oikos 2008 - 12.12.08Date : 12 Dec 2008
Time : 6:30pm-12am
Venue : Radient Court, Renny Khoo's house
今年细胞小组的圣诞派对订在12月12日。从策划到执行，大家都忙得不可开支。身为组长的Winnie和Belinda尽管在工作忙碌之下，还是抽空的将所有人该负责的事项分配好，并进行了一个星期至少一次的小组会议，就是为了确保能顺利的进行这次的活动，更重要的是能够荣耀上帝，把充满喜乐与希望的福音传给所有被邀请的来宾朋友。我，May和Lydia负责的是交换礼物和见面礼的事项。为了让大家感受到我们的诚意，大家都抓破脑袋，用尽心思地准备。很多想法是出自我的主意，可是对其他人来说，好像有点过于复杂。只是，大家想到所有的准备是为了荣耀上帝之名而做的，所以只好咬咬牙继续准备。我们用了两种颜色，即蓝与白色，柔质的缎带做了玫瑰花作为分组的用途，绑在所有人的手腕上。也亲手做了心型的纸书签，画一画图，写一写字，在粘张有祝福字样的贴纸，送给来宾朋友作为纪念。我呢，也几乎将所有准备好的交换礼物包得美美的。大伙还帮Renny的家做一些布置，让气氛更温馨。今年圣诞派对的主题为蓝与白，正好是Sutera Magellan Hotel的主题，让我们傻了眼。我当然是最开心的那一位，因为蓝与白正好是我最喜欢的颜色。转回正体，当晚的布置很美；事物很美味，也很多选择，从开胃菜到甜品，样样不缺；游戏很好玩，拉进了大家的距离，也帮大家增进了感情，总之是笑声不断，精彩不绝；诗歌赞美也唱得很有共鸣，大家一起欢唱，歌声优美而响亮；见证的分享说的得很棒，很有感染力（当然当晚作见证的除了我和我妹，还有顺兴，Winnie和Belinda）。啊，对了，我们播放了Nick Vujicic的人生经历的短片，从他身上学会了永不放弃的精神，也更了解了上帝对我们的爱与关怀。当你看到一个没有四肢的人能那么积极的生活，并到处倡导上帝的爱，用行动与嘴巴作见证，你就会了解基督徒所相信，坚信的神是什么样的神了。
那晚，我真的很开心，大家也一样的开心。我也相信之前用心来准备的一切都是值得的。尽管累，心里却是甜蜜的，喜乐的，温暖的。当我回想去年2007我以来宾的身份参加这一班人的圣诞派队，到今年我以一个主客的身份参与筹备事项，带新朋友出席的感觉真的很不同。除了身份不同之外，快感和满足感真的完全不同。今年的圣诞我比较开心，满足感也比较大。付出与收获是同等的，所以，付出得多，收获得大。我呢也很幸运的收到三份交换礼物（因为有两个人把他们收到的礼物送给我）！所以啊。。我真的很快乐，也很感恩。 December 14 花花相“惜”从某人的部落格看到这样的一句话。。“生活在这个花花世界，肯定存在着奇花异草。如果我们要给周围的人闻到我们散发出脱俗的清香，就学习茉莉花，要在污浊的大环境里不被染着，那就学习莲花。只要我们继续努力，杂草丛生的荒野， 一定会因为我们的德香， 慢慢变成美丽的花圃！” 说真的，上帝创造了许多美好的事物，让我们活得更轻松，但我们可曾好好利用大地的资源，可曾珍惜过上帝的恩慈？学会珍惜并不容易，尤其是当我们对于所得的一切太容易到手，也容易上手的时候，自然我们也忘了如何去珍惜，如何感恩。世界已大不同，你心里的花是什么？是长满刺的玫瑰？脱俗芳香的茉莉？脱淤泥而不染的水莲？还是优雅纯洁的百合？无论是什么，现在是改变态度的时候。珍惜地球，珍惜自然，珍惜自己，明天会不一样。。。 我的爱是永不止息你说：“爱一个人，对一个人好。本来就是一种本能。对不起，他没有这样的本能。。。”这意味着什么呢？是说他不爱某人，所以无法对某人好？抑或是人本来就是会爱人和对人好的动物，而这个不懂得爱和对人好的人是没有本能的人，甚至说他不是人吗？你也说：“请不要去想到“永远”。爱没有永远。你此刻深爱，却注定遥远的某一天也不再爱他。。。”你的字里流间让人不由自主的感慨，让人对爱不知所措。。。让人觉得“爱”很遥不可及。其实，很多时候我很想告诉你，当你真心去爱，你就不会计较回报；当你真心去爱，你就不会害怕“永远”过于遥远；当你真心去爱，你就不会觉得爱是廉价的。你害怕付出只因你在乎回报有多少。你觉得爱有保存期限，因为那不是真正的爱。当你试着用心去爱去体会，结局会不一样。 “爱是恒久忍耐，又有恩慈；爱是不嫉妒；爱是不自夸，不张狂，不做害羞的事，不求自己的益处，不轻易发怒，不计算人的恶，不喜欢不义，只喜欢真理；凡是包容，凡是相信，凡是盼望，凡是忍耐。爱是永不止息。”（哥林多前书 13：4-8） November 28 便利贴女孩的故事 刚放假的3-4天里，我上网看了台湾偶像剧《命中注定我爱你》，这部戏开始于一个长相平凡至极，性格平凡至极，连名字也平凡至极的女生，陈欣仪，与外貌超凡，家事显赫的企业家第9代，纪存希的乌龙邂逅。我以前爱看戏，可以说是超级电视迷。电影，电视剧，综艺节目都是我的最爱。在家没事做，也没有说话对象，所以我的生活总是离不开天天发呆，天天躲在房间读书，天天看电视。。。不过那是很久以前的事了，现在的我不只少看电视节目，连家里都少待了。是该所人长大了，还是什么呢？应该说地方不同，家也不一样了，人也长大了吧？！以前看电视是为了填补空缺，为了怀念“家”的味道；现在。。可以做和该做的事变多了，连坐在电视前的机会也少了。已好久了，不再容易感动，不再容易落泪，不再轻易泄露底牌的我竟然变了。。忘了从什么时候开始，是去年圣诞派队开始吗？我就变了。。我变了吗？变得好容易感动，好容易失落；好容易开心，也好容易难过。我竟然会再度地意志剥落，连看个戏也哭得稀里哗啦的，真不像样。《命中》这部戏有好大的影响力。我不再幻想自己是故事里的主角，更加不想成为这样的故事里这样的角色。什么便利贴好用又好撕，不痛不痒，随传随到，方便拿到，不要就丢掉。我若真是这样的人，我会生气，爆炸，哭死。。才不会忍气吞声，甘心做别人便利贴佣人。可能也是因为她的善良，所以故事的最后最后，她才会有童话般的完美结局吧？这样的人看了真的令人心疼又生气哦，害我边看边落泪，为她的遭遇感到难过，虽然自己知道这只是一个故事，一部戏。。真是的。。任人使唤真的不像是我的个性，所以我不用担心自己会变成故事里的人物。。但愿如此。。 November 24 耶~放假了。。 考试考了三个星期，从第一天考到最后一天，终于考完了。真的好累。这次考试我真的有在努力，有用功的啃书，所以在考场上都不觉得紧张。从来没感受过因为准备充足而对考题不陌生的感觉。当然觉得很爽，超赞。原来我努力起来真的可以很认真。原来看到考题，知道答案真的很开心。我非常非常希望这次自己可以考到好成绩，才不会辜负自己的用心。
好不容易放假，却觉得郁闷。还好只是一个月的假期，不然我会闷得发慌，闷到发霉吧？？哈哈哈。。 November 16 朋友的婚礼两个星期前从朋友那里听到某人的喜讯。这人曾和我蛮要好，所以一开始蛮错愕，也很好奇谁是新娘。朋友也好奇为何我没被邀请参加婚礼，我也不知道耶。。哈哈。上个星期新郎打电话约我，有些吓到，当然也答应了参加婚礼。。想到被邀请的人都不是我熟悉的朋友，又第一次参加朋友的婚礼，没经验，没人陪，是有点怪。只是结婚是一生人一次的大喜事，我怎么能不给面子呢？找了一位最要好的朋友陪自己壮壮胆去出席，想给新郎我的祝福。。结果。。两个小时前，好友传简讯说不能去了，因为不是自己的朋友结婚，老爸不给她去。。我也不能为难她，想说找自己老爸载。有时蛮令人生气的是为什么人不能坦白些？可以或不可以，说一声就好了嘛。。我衣服换好了，妆画好了，连车都开了，走了一段路，老爸才叫我别去。就这样折返回家的路。。我的天啊。。我真的很不给新郎面子耶。。我也不是不给面子，只是我连面子都给不起。。真是不好意思。。只能在心里祝新郎新婚快乐，白头偕老了。。。 November 13 向谁证明什么？有时候，我对自己的行为感到好奇和疑惑。我一直努力的往前走，可是我却越走越累。我甚至会开始疑惑到底我往前走的目的是什么？我是在和自己证明自己可以独立的实力，还是证明给谁看我可以独立？我后来发现自己不再像以往一样为自己而活，而是活在别人的期望，希望，甚至失望下。。。到底我活着的目的是什么？十年来，我的确不停地想，希望可以找到答案。有一天，当我收到好友的一封简讯时，内容是说：“当所有人在关心你飞得高不高时，只有少数人在关心你飞得累不累。”那时，我很疑惑字里文间想传达的真正讯息。我想，我明白了为何自己一直无法获得简单的快乐。原来，活在别人的影子下是我不快乐的原因。想要寻找快乐要靠自己，而不是靠别人。我一直努力维持自己在人前的形象，去在意别人的每个动作，每句话，弄得自己超级无敌十分累，又不愉快。我的完美主义搞得自己并不完美，反而让自己看来更虚伪。想把自己最好的一面呈现给别人却弄巧成拙；想为自己解释些什么却让别人对我误会加深；想帮助需要帮助的人却才发现真正需要帮助的人是自己。搞了半天，我不过时在演一场闹剧。更难过的是全程演出是自己自导自演出来的。还好，现在发现这个事实也不算迟。至少这个过程让我了解到友情和亲情的可贵。也感受到上帝对我的宠爱大于所有凡人能给的。就算全世界人会背叛我，上帝不会对不起我；就算全世界人不了解我，上帝会清楚知道我是谁。只因为，我为他所造，为他所活，也为他而死。善待自己，与人为善是我要做的基本准则。现在，我只想努力为自己而活，为自己找到快乐，以上帝的话语为标准，为戒命，不想再成为其他人的傀儡。 November 09 被标签的记号？有时候，我会怕做错事，说错话；怕得罪别人，怕令人难堪；怕。。。我总是希望别人会喜欢我这个人，接受我，关心我。我不希望做错事，得罪人，或让人误会，只是有时候我们真的无法体会或明白别人的思考逻辑。我们只能做好自己的本分，没办法干涉别人对我们的态度和想法。别人说的话或做的事，或许对我们会有正面，甚至是负面的影响，但，我们就是没办法改变或纠正别人对我们的态度或想法。我有时候会因不小心犯的错，不管是言语还是行为上，而后悔不已。我道歉了，改过了，还是不被接受。我当然会很懊恼，只是懊恼归懊恼，有些事就是发生了，不是一句“对不起”或发毒誓会改过，就可以解决的。人都是一样，不是“江山易改，本性难移”，就是“always judge the book by its cover”。人总会为别人挂上一种无形的等号，认为你是酱的人，你就永远是酱的人。改或不改有何所谓，有何意义呢？其实，真的不用去花这么多心思在揣摩别人的想法。别人对我们怎样想，怎样看，真的不重要。而且，搞不好他们根本没在注意我们，只是我们自己想太多了。我们应该把心思专注在上帝和他伟大的事工上。把自己和上帝的关系搞好才是重要的事。我们要想和要做的事是如何讨好上帝，而不是如何讨好别人。不须要浪费力气和时间去讨好别人，吃力又不讨好，也可能赔了夫人又折兵，白费心机。讨好上帝才是我们应该做的事。上帝给了我们一切所需，我们要懂得回报他无止境的大爱和慈悲。 November 01 是黑是白？还是灰？ 人与人之间的关系一定要有利益存在才有价值吗？总以为很多事与人可以很简单，很美，但混浊的世界总把唯美的事与人涂上一层灰。处在灰色地带的人能清楚分辨黑与白的差别吗？不过，停下脚步想一想，能不能分辨黑与白很重要吗？这世界本来就存在第三种人，那就是介于黑与白之间--灰色地带的人。
有时候过于执着是黑或是白会很恼人，也很烦人。人都爱自寻烦恼吧？！明知道恼人又烦人的事，还要让自己陷入其中。“上帝就是真理”，这才是我学到和理解的真理。上帝可以审判活人死人，义人坏人。知道这个道理对我来说已经很足够了。完成和解决自己能力之内的事是我们应该做的事。若某些事是自己能力所不及的，无须自寻烦恼，或坚持要靠自己的力量来解决。把手放开，心胸敞开，把一切烦恼的人与事都摊开，交由上帝处理，他会因为爱我们的心把剩余的烦恼通通解决掉。我非常相信！
October 30 我的眼镜有些人会因为自己经历很多大风大浪，对于别人所诉说的故事就变得没兴趣听下去。当别人都戴着有色眼镜去看一个人或一件事时，我仍坚持用客观的态度去面对。不是我没主见，只是，做人有必要这么主观吗？我也是有主见，有意见的人。不表态不等于我没意见， 不吭声也不表示我没关系，我无所谓。承认别人的优点和秀出自己的缺点也不是懦弱的表现。对自己坦诚对很多人来说是件困难的事。或许，这就是人类骄傲，自负的本性。这种本性往往会抹煞世上美好的事与人。过于主观会让人看不清事与人的另一个面貌，然而，过于客观也让人显得太过肤浅，都做表面功夫。我的镜框或许是五颜六色，但，镜片永远是透明的。世事无绝对，我相信世界上有肉眼看不清的真相，耳朵听不见的真心话，和嘴巴说不出的秘密。唯有上帝是真理。所以就算人所看到的，听到的和说的都不是真实的，但我相信用心聆听，用心去看的事一定是真的，因为上帝在我心里，他不会欺骗他的子女，或利用谎言蒙蔽人的心。
October 28 我的“我” 翻出手写日记最后一页，发现几个月前没写完的日记。。好久没写日记了。随着科技的发达，我也学着留下网路日记，在网上某个角落留下自己的脚印。开始变的懒惰，有些往事或许令人回味，但是，随着时间的流失，有没有被记录下来已不再重要，反而，能留在心底某一处就已经足够了。
学会了手放开不容易。知道原谅一个人比生一个人的气还需要更多，更大的勇气，却不一定是因亲身经历而有所领悟。或许，在这之前我会为了某些事而失落，愤怒，伤心；也或许，在这之后我还会失落，愤怒，伤心；但， 我坚信上帝的大爱真的可以融化一颗恨恶的心，也可以充满一颗空虚的心。其实有脾气未尝不是一件好事。有血有泪的自己至少可以证明自己的生命还存有温度。如果把自己继续锁在某些回忆里，而不会开心，不会生气，不会难过，不会心痛，那应该很可怕吧？只是，当一个人把心紧闭，麻木了许久后，好像很难要和别人真心相对。天边的某处，上帝都知道每个人心里的快乐，不安，焦虑，甚至是愤怒和懊悔。我，可能不能成为每一个人心里的天使，可能不是公主，可能不是大好人，可能不是性情中人等等等。。。我，就是我，我不能，也无法成为每个心里理想的那个我，也不想再为任何人改变现在的我。我只要知道我是上帝眼里的那个我就够了。别人眼里的我，对我来说已不再重要，因为他们看到的并不是我。 |
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